Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Change

      Change. Change is a good thing, right? Maybe. Or maybe not.  Maybe it depends on the change. Or maybe it depends on the person.  The older I've gotten, the more I've realized how resistant I am to change.  Birthdays are especially difficult for me.  The first time I remember falling apart on that supposed-to-be-joyous-day was three years ago, when I turned 20.  In the midst of celebration, I became very aware of the fact that I was no longer considered a youth.  Every year since has been a little harder, not because I fear getting old, but because the idea of being an adult is so completely uncomfortable for me.  Because it means change.  And I might not like it.
      Graduation was not scary to me.  The very opposite, in fact.  I jumped for joy at the freedom that came with no longer being a student and entering into the "real world."  However, I don't think I was completely prepared for what would come next, for all of the "grown up" decisions I would have to make at every turn.  I'm always so excited for the next chapter of my life....until I open it.  Suddenly, the things I've dreamed about and hoped for and wished into reality no longer appeal to me and I wish to turn back the page and reread the last few pages of the last chapter in all their familiarity over and over again.  "Why is this?" you may ask.  Well, yesterday I couldn't have told you.  But today.....
      It just dawned on me that the reason I am so completely terrified to enter into each new phase of my life is that I haven't spent enough time enjoying the current one.  I spend so much time hoping and dreaming and wishing and praying for things of the future that I forget to live in the moment, forget to enjoy the here and now, forget to thank God for each breath as I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth.  Maybe if I spent more time thanking and less time dreaming, I could actually like change. So, here's the conclusion:
      I can't stop Change by slamming the door in its face or by running the opposite direction or by melting into tears....believe me, I've tried.  So maybe the only thing left to do is to welcome it, to thank God for each moment as it comes along, to trust in the One who knows what Change will bring before it comes knocking, and to read each sentence only once, no matter if it is the last or the first of a chapter.




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