Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I like to think of myself as a black and white type of person. In other words, I like to think that there is either a right choice and a wrong choice for every decision or scenario in the world. However, the older I get (I know, I'm still young...), the more I've begun to change my thinking. Maybe there isn't just one good choice and one bad choice for everything having to do with life. There are a lot of gray areas. I like gray, as a color. If it even is a color. But I do not like grayness in life. I have spent the last two days as a nurse extern at a local hospital. I have seen and heard things that make me want to turn around and run away. Nursing can be a beautiful profession, but it can also be so incredibly horrendous that all you may be able to think to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I felt like that today. While there are other things going on in my life besides starting my first job in a hospital, the source of wanting to curl up in a ball and bawl until I couldn't bawl anymore came from simply hearing histories of patients on the floor. All I could think was this: it's meaningless. Why do we even try? Why do we fight for a life and fight to give hope where none exists? People die fighting for their lives every day. Maybe it's comforting to the family to know that their loved one didn't give up. Or maybe it's devastating to watch that loved one die in pain that was partially induced by medical treatment. I honestly don't know. But it makes me sad. The saddest part is, in those situations a nurse is completely helpless to do anything except try to ensure the patient's and family's comfort. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that as a nurse, the only thing I can do is watch. Please God, give me the strength and the wisdom to be Your hands and feet when everything around me is gray. Be my absolute.

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